yesterday i had a visit from the cold case police informing me that they had a suspect and want me to go to court and try and get a conviction.
20 yrs ago a stranger broke into my flat raped and tortured me at knifepoint and then hounded me day and night for 7 months trying to get in and kill me. i had police come but he was never caught. now they have found him due to new dna techniques. i have never been so distraught in my life and was on the floor shaking and sobbing, it was as if it had just happened. he ruined my life and still 20 yrs on fills me with fear. i have to go to court and face a dreadful ordeal coz i need closure. he may not be convicted coz i am gonna be judged for what i am and my lifestyle. i have tried for years to find forgiveness in my heart but i cant, its so painful and living alone i had no one to comfort me. i had to run to my doctor who thankfully has sedated me as i dont know what i would have done.
the police were very kind and are going to support me through this coming ordeal, i may have to be moved for my safety away from my home and friends. yesterday i felt so alone and afraid. i am still trying to find a way to forgive but its difficult. i dont have any faith which i know helps some ppl, my life has been too full of abuse and pain to even hope there is a god looking out for me. i am not writing this coz i want sympathy i just dont want to be alone.
i am back living in fear and cant stop crying and shaking, how can one person do this to me? i may not be an avergage person but i am human and have feelings. all my life i have tried to stop others suffereing what i have endured, but forgiveness is so hard.